|Posted by Sara Moore on 18 May, 2015 at 15:30|
You know those moments, days or years when you get stuck on something or someone and you justs can't seem to let it or them go? Well, I had one last week. And to be honest, it really just flat out pissed me off. Why is life so hard some times? I KNOW that things happen for a reason. I KNOW timing can make or break a situation. I KNOW that it all works out exactly as it should, but dammit sometimes that just sucks and all the knowing in the world doesn't make it any easier when you're the one living it.
I was having a very human experience and it made me sad, angry, frustrated and irritated. So I went through a few tissues, reflected back on all that I've been through, and decided I was going to take a shower and wash off all that old stuff. Sounds so simple, huh? In the shower I had a converstation (out loud, and speaking to their higher self because there were just some things I had to say to get out of me) with the players involved. It felt a little better and I turned the water just a little hotter to make sure I was fully present. I was. I had to turn it down before I scalded myself.
Then I smiled when I realized that all of these things I've been going through haven't broken me. I may be a bit guarded these days, but someone reminded me that I have allowed my heart to open more than I ever thought possible these past few years. And it's true. I had a pretty good wall up with sharp shooters guarding the gate since college and only recenlty have I let them go on leave.
So then I listed out the qualities I want to invite into my life. Both from people, a partner, etc. All of it. It was quite a list! Honorability, honesty, integrity, love, passion, available, secure, playful, romantic (oh! that wasn't on it but I'm adding it now!), assuredness, etc. I can't even think of everything I said, but it took a little bit for me to get it all out. And then I let the water flow over my head, down my body, and down the drain. I visualized it being sent out to the universe to hear and accept my wishes.
That night I had the most intense dreams. I dreamt that I was painting a red heart on a small stone, but that the color quickly turned to a thick and delicious yellow. I was surprised, but I commented that I guess I was standing in my power and it felt good. Then I went to take a picture of it and I accidentally sent it to 1,017 of my contacts. I don't think I even know that many people, but I do in dreamland apparently! I panicked for a moment because I didn't want everyone to see it, and then I thought, Oh NO! There's no taking that back! But then it felt ok. I was proud of my little rock with my yellow heart on it.
Then I was in the basement of a houseI was temporarily living in. I was aware that there was only one window in my bedroom down there, and that if I closed it I'd be too hot and there'd be no breeze. But that if I left my window open people could get in if they wanted to. I decided to leave it open because I really felt safe. See? See? Are you following this?! Fascinating!
And then, before I woke up, I had another dream. For some reason all the furniture was out of my house and was airing out on the lawn. I thought, what a perfect time to vacuum before I bring it all back in. To have a fresh start. But when I started vacuuming, all this used kitty litter showed up. It was really gross and I had to vacuum paths through it so that I could avoid getting it on my bare feet. I had to clean the thing out or twice because there was so much of it. But I got it all by the end. So gross. I think that just means I had a lot of shit to get rid of?
There were more dreams but those are the ones that seem relevant to the exercise in the shower. My slate has been cleared. I have been reminded that I am strong. And that I am standing in my power. And I am grateful to all of those people and experiences that have got me to here. Maybe someday I'll even thank some of them personally. But not today. Today I'm still negotiating with my human free will and wraping my head around all this!